There comes a time when you – wake up at 10 am when everyone’s already gone out, watch TV or play computer games while everyone’s taking a break from work, read a book and have brunch while everyone’s busy in school or at work, look very well rested at 5 pm when everyone else looks ready to hit the sack, want to buy something but find out you’re running out of cash, get desperate and look for a way to earn money, surf the net and scan the papers for a job, fail to find one that motivates you, and then – realize that after more than two years since graduating from college, you’re still clueless. And then you think…..oh well.
I’m a planner, except when it comes to what I’m going to do with my life, so I jump in and out of whatever job I feel like doing and in and out of plans that seem right at that time. Then my mom notices and talks to me about it (get mad if she have to) and then mistake my confusion and cluelessness as pride.
I.don’t.know.what.I’m.doing. And so when I’m on Facebook and see pictures of my friends at work and office events, I feel left behind and lazy and useless. And then I read a book, perk up, get over it, and then go back to being clueless.
There comes a time when you realize you have to do something and it’s not what’s being offered around you. So then you decide to do it but you keep delaying so you beat yourself up for being human and for being a lazy pig. But then you know you have to keep doing it so you keep doing it although your greatest enemy – yourself – is SO good at making you procrastinate.
And then you finally do what you should and love to do, and you don’t feel clueless anymore and you realize you don’t care about making a lot of money (seriously, I could eat eggs all day) and you know you’re not as clueless as you think you are. But you also know that you have to keep working at it if you want to be what you dream to be. Then that time comes when you realize you could be and do better than this so you make a promise…
2013 Resolution: To write. To be creative. To be open-minded. To be kind. To be determined. To be passionate. To read. To sing. To love. To cry. To care. To write, to write, to write.